A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
