hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
