just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sorry my hands just texted you
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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