do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
