ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
where does the pee come out of this thing
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
