It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
