When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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