My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
