I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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