Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
