i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize