So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
