My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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