Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee