I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
