oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
