I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
