just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
