Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
