im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
