Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
