I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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