In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
