he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
