where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
