He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
