I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
