Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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