I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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