His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
