I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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