Define "chronic" masturbator.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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