Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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