I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
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You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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