Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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