Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
