I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
