so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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