So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
