My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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