everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
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booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.