saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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