dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
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The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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