I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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