I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
