Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
