I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
