yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
