I puked a lego.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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