he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
