I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
