i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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