No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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