now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
