THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
